A Room Of One's Own...Or Not

I've recently become obsessed with a lyric, "Black sheep, Black sheep, in the aftershocks, thought he could survive in the black tin box. Black sheep, black sheep, in the aftershocks, thought you could survive in the black tin box." Why does this matter? I don't know. Why can't I get this these four lines out of my head?

My mania is probably on 10 right now...

So I've come to realize why I find it so hard for me to live in one place for longer than 6 months. I think subconsciously, I try to run from "home." In specific because I've never had a place I can call "home." As a child I was afraid to come "home." And then as a teen, I literally didn't have one. I remember the day Bonsol gave me my first set of house keys. He came to my place of employment and flagged me over. I remember staring at these 3 little specifically shaped pieces of stainless steel in awe--a dream become tangible. I remember staring at them, the glint of the reflection on their surface. I remember everything else suddenly becoming darker than those 3 little reminders that life is possible to live--that hard work sometimes, does pay off. And then as my eyes swelled with tears, I realized that finally, I could stop moving. I could stop and stand still, and not worry about where I was sleeping next. I had the most amazing 3 years of my life, then. I had a home, for the first time in my entire life, I felt like a person.

That plane crashed and burned, and left me there alone to pick up the pieces of a life I took for granted. And so here I am, 3 years later and afraid to crash again.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, you goddamn whiner!" I know, I know--add this to the list of personal issues.

Well, moving forward, I have 2 more days in my current apartment before I have to move out...I spent 5 months in this house and never once called it home. And now instead of finding a new place to live, I've decided to temporarily live with my friend for a month, to buy me some more time. I recently reconnected with a cousin of mine after about 12 years. And it turns out we have a lot in common. It's kinda absurd really. Well, whenever I sleep over (as she lives far away), I prefer to sleep on her couch than on her spare bed. She finds this odd, and I never really thought about it, until one of her daughters asked me, "Why, Tio Tony, do you like sleeping on the couch?" I honestly had no idea how to answer her. I didn't even realize how very uncomfortable the idea of sleeping on her bed made me feel. Yes, uncomfortable. I felt a discomfort over it.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this entry. It has no structure, it has no point. I have no structure. I have no point.

-T

Love, and some more crap.

Something that I find myself thinking about a lot lately are the basic foundations for our wide array of emotions. If we evolved from a single celled organism, it would make sense that our mental capabilities evolved in a similar fashion. If our ancestors operated on a few key primal instincts is it ok, then to assume our emotions grew out of those same instincts. To use a visual (and a very dated metaphor), our emotions are like the spectrum of color. But at it's very core, there are only a few basic colors that then are used to create the others, allowing our emotions to be as complex as the paint store at Home Depot.

The next question, really, then becomes which of the emotions are the bases of the rest. I've distilled them, so far, down to 3 basic emotions. But that being said, I would argue that those can be broken down even more. I call these emotions my Three Primes. Fear, Joy, and Anger make up these primes. And from these, all other emotions are created. And then, like a Mad Scientist on a mission, the different amounts and combinations create the bajillion other emotions: Hatred, Love, Calm, Resentment.

Two of the emotions I think about most are Love and Hatred. Two emotions that our society like to pin against each other; two opposites. But it is these people who hinder our very understanding of what those emotions actually mean. While yes, they are related, they are not complete polar opposites--they're simply sisters, slightly different, yet fundamentally similar.

Love at it's core is born of Fear and Joy. How much you "love" someone depends greatly on how these two interact. Love, is the fear of losing Joy. It is the need to keep that Joy and the understanding that it isn't permanent. For an example, I love my sister. She brings me Joy. The Fear I have of losing her is always present, whether I understand it or not. It is always in the background, however, I don't feel it because it isn't necessary. It is only through a traumatic experience that the Fear rears it's ugly head. 

Let's say someone I love gets in an accident. Instinctively, I think about their safety. I am overwhelmed by a fear that they are in pain. Basically, I am afraid that I will never feel that Joy that she brings me, again.

Moving on, I want to address the irrationality of Love. Love, at it's core is an irrational emotion. It is the constant preoccupation with losing something. Whoever (whenever), decided to use the phrase, "think with your heart, not with your head" hit the nail on the head. Because your "head" will tell you that you're being irrational. It is this disregard of rationality that allows us to Love.

AAAAAAAAND, It's late and I'm tired. This rant to be continued tomorrow.

Good. Night. World.

-t