I've recently become obsessed with a lyric, "Black sheep, Black sheep, in the aftershocks, thought he could survive in the black tin box. Black sheep, black sheep, in the aftershocks, thought you could survive in the black tin box." Why does this matter? I don't know. Why can't I get this these four lines out of my head?
My mania is probably on 10 right now...
So I've come to realize why I find it so hard for me to live in one place for longer than 6 months. I think subconsciously, I try to run from "home." In specific because I've never had a place I can call "home." As a child I was afraid to come "home." And then as a teen, I literally didn't have one. I remember the day Bonsol gave me my first set of house keys. He came to my place of employment and flagged me over. I remember staring at these 3 little specifically shaped pieces of stainless steel in awe--a dream become tangible. I remember staring at them, the glint of the reflection on their surface. I remember everything else suddenly becoming darker than those 3 little reminders that life is possible to live--that hard work sometimes, does pay off. And then as my eyes swelled with tears, I realized that finally, I could stop moving. I could stop and stand still, and not worry about where I was sleeping next.
I had the most amazing 3 years of my life, then. I had a home, for the first time in my entire life, I felt like a person.
That plane crashed and burned, and left me there alone to pick up the pieces of a life I took for granted.
And so here I am, 3 years later and afraid to crash again.
"Oh, shut the fuck up, you goddamn whiner!"
I know, I know--add this to the list of personal issues.
Well, moving forward, I have 2 more days in my current apartment before I have to move out...I spent 5 months in this house and never once called it home. And now instead of finding a new place to live, I've decided to temporarily live with my friend for a month, to buy me some more time.
I recently reconnected with a cousin of mine after about 12 years. And it turns out we have a lot in common. It's kinda absurd really. Well, whenever I sleep over (as she lives far away), I prefer to sleep on her couch than on her spare bed. She finds this odd, and I never really thought about it, until one of her daughters asked me, "Why, Tio Tony, do you like sleeping on the couch?" I honestly had no idea how to answer her. I didn't even realize how very uncomfortable the idea of sleeping on her bed made me feel. Yes, uncomfortable. I felt a discomfort over it.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this entry. It has no structure, it has no point. I have no structure. I have no point.
-T
